I’ve had a huge revelation today, thanks to Alesia, my eldest (22 years old) child. I know, she’s rolling her eyes at me now… stating she’s not a child. I know at 22 she’s an adult but she’ll still ALWAYS be MY child.
But, back to my revelation.
It can be painful to admit how much I learn from my children. They truly cause me to grow, continuously.
In my opinion, it’s life’s greatest blessing, and also life’s hardest pill to swallow.
Alesia and I were discussing a past argument/disagreement between Elsa (my Aspie girl, who can frustrate the dickens out of me!) and myself. Through the course of our conversation, she mentioned a past argument her and I had, a number of years ago, when she had gotten into BIG trouble.
When I had found out about something, I was MAD. I honestly don’t even remember the full specifics of the ‘what’ or ‘why’ I was so mad, but she reminded me of my reaction, of my anger. She also reminded me, not in a judging way, but simply factually, that it had not been the correct way to deal with her. That yes, she had done wrong and deserved to be reprimanded, but it still wasn’t right to get so angry.
I chuckled a little, and responded with something like, “Oh you just wait and see when you have a teen! Then you’ll understand!”
And you know what?
It’s true. One day my daughter will most likely have a teenager, and that teen will give her some trouble. And quite possibly, my daughter will become angry with my future grandchild and they will go through what her and I went through.
Or… maybe not? Maybe the future could be different for my grandchild?
I pondered on my daughters words off and on all day today.
When she came home from work she started getting ready for her evening out. When I noticed she wasn’t quite so busy, I asked her to come talk with me when she had a few moments. That I wanted to speak with her before anyone else got home.
I had spent my day swallowing my pride, bit by bite, and now it was time to share my revelation with her.
I let her know I had been thinking about what she had said. I told her that she was right. That my anger in the past, was wrong. That it didn’t matter what she had done, it was up to me to be sure I let her know that SHE is worth MUCH MORE than my pride, and I wanted her to know I was wrong. She was right.
I told her that I want her to truly understand, that her father and I feel our relationships with our children are worth admitting when we are wrong. That our child/parent relationships come first. Our children come first.
Of course, if I had been a better living example to my children all along, shown them that they ALWAYS come before my pride, through my daily life, I would have never needed to have this conversation with her.
But, I’m not always a good living example. I fail. I have issues with pride, stubbornness, shame, and a whole long list of past hurts that have built up one wall after another, and another, and another.
But over the years, I’ve learned that walls don’t just keep out hurts. Walls keep out fullness of joy too.
The look on my daughters face when I told her I was sorry, and I hugged her and told her I love her…
That look, was instant joy to my heart.
And I realized my that daughter, my relationship with her in these few short moments we have left under the same roof between the busyness of our days, really is worth so very much more than my pride.